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This post is all about how to build a healthy relationship with your partner.
Building a healthy relationship with your partner takes a lot of conscious effort and definitely isn’t easy, but it is so fulfilling and can create a foundation for a happy, stable family. There are so many great resources out there to help you learn about effective communication and conflict resolution skills, but I wanted to summarize the things I have found to be most helpful in my own relationships that I have learned from years of therapy and experience.
Understand the Psychology of Relationships
Educating yourself on the way relationships work and why humans typically behave the way they do in relationships is so important. It can help you to avoid preventable problems in the future, to implement things into your relationship to keep it healthier that you may have never considered otherwise, and to better understand yourself and your partner, making for easier conflict resolution.
Every relationship (that lasts long enough) goes through the same five stages. Those stages are:
The honeymoon stage: The beginning of the relationship when everything feels easy and carefree. This usually lasts around a few months.
The differences stage: Conflict starts to emerge, and your partner’s flaws become harder to overlook. The first big fight may take place. This usually occurs around six months.
The struggle stage: Deeper seated issues and incompatibilities arise. Resentment starts to set in. This is where couples often break up. This usually occurs around the two year mark.
The repair stage: Putting in the work to make it out of the struggle stage. A lot of communication and intentional steps taken to heal the relationship are required. Many couples don’t know how to repair well, and may not have had a good example at home. It is important to seek outside help to make it through this stage if you are really struggling. This usually occurs around two to five years.
The enduring love stage: You and your partner have really chosen each other and put in the work to make it through the hardest parts. A strong foundation has been built and you have established security in each other. It may feel like falling in love all over again, and you may reenter the honeymoon stage.
This post is all about how to build a healthy relationship with your partner.
Understanding that these phases are normal for all relationships can help you be prepared and face this head on as a team.
A few other interesting facts about the psychology of relationships:
- There is a correlation between the amount kissing that long term partners do and the quality of their relationship, however the same link was not seen between frequency of sex and improved relationship satisfaction.
- A three-year study found that divorce rates were more than halved by watching movies about relationships and discussing them afterwards.
- A survey of over 4,000 adults found that simple acts of kindness in relationships are often appreciated most, so if grand gestures aren’t your thing, remember that it’s the little things that really matter.
- According to a 1983 study by John Gottman, the four things that will kill a relationship are criticism, contempt, being defensive, and stonewalling. By looking for these things, Gottman was able to predict divorce with 90% accuracy based on just the first three minutes of conversation during conflict resolution.
This post is all about how to build a healthy relationship with your partner.
The more educated you are on the psychology of relationships, the easier it is to understand your own partner and foster a healthy, happy relationship.
Prioritize Communication
This one is obvious. It’s usually the first point made when people talk about improving your relationship, but it really is the most important aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship. Communication is a two way street. It isn’t just about talking to your partner. It is also about listening to comprehend. I often feel like I am appropriately communicating because I am telling my partner all about how I feel, but I tend to forget that listening and comprehending is just as important when it comes to good communication.
Communication is easy to talk about, but harder to practice if you’re not used to it. An easy way to implement regular open communication in your relationship is to have a scheduled sit down with your partner to discuss your relationship. This can be weekly, monthly, or however often works for you both. This meeting should be conflict free, and a positive discussion that shouldn’t turn into a big fight. You can use this time to practice appreciation and accountability. Marcia N. Berger is a marriage counselor that teaches the benefits of weekly marriage meetings, and she recommends breaking them down into these four parts:
- Appreciation- Anything that stands out to you that week that you appreciate your partner for.
- Chores- Discuss your to-do list and upcoming finances
- Fun times- Plan for upcoming date nights, family activities, etc.
- Problems and challenges- Any concerns or issues you are facing in your relationship lately
This post does a great job of breaking this down in much greater detail.
This post is all about how to build a healthy relationship with your partner.
Continue to Date Each Other
During the honeymoon phase of a relationship, everything feels easy. Your partner is new and exciting, and your brain is overflowing with oxytocin and dopamine, making being in love feel almost euphoric. As time goes on, the new wears off and people’s flaws become more apparent and hard to ignore. At this point in a relationship, it might take effort to keep things healthy and fun. A good way to do this is by continuing to date each other. Scheduling a set date night each week, monthly, or whatever works for your relationship is a good way to ensure it doesn’t get skipped over or forgotten. Let’s face it, life gets busy and it is easy to put it on the back burner.
I have seen a lot of wonderful, creative ideas for keeping date night interesting but the ones I love the most are ones that require effort from both partners. For example, I saw a video recently about a couple that takes turns planning surprise dates for the other. They would give the other the date and time, and an idea of what to wear but everything else was a surprise. It can be as small as building a fort at home, or as big as a weekend getaway trip, depending on what time and finances allow. It adds a lot of excitement and anticipation to the relationship, but the biggest benefit is that it ensures both partners are actively putting effort into the relationship.
There are a lot of great videos on TikTok and Youtube about different ways you can do this, and there are even date kits online that you can buy, like this one on Amazon:
I’m also a big fan of this question game for building a more intimate connection with your partner by asking questions you might not ever think to ask on your own:
This post is all about how to build a healthy relationship with your partner.
Find Neutral Talking Ground
Relationships often put you in a very vulnerable position, which is why they can create so much conflict. You have to learn to set aside your pride and avoid getting defensive in order to establish healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. It can be hard not to take it personally when your partner is upset about something you’ve done or said.
Finding neutral talking ground can create a safe environment for couples to express themselves and their feelings without their partner feeling like they are being attacked. One great way to create neutral talking ground is by finding external resources to discuss. For example, if you disagree on a parenting issue, instead of telling your partner you think they are wrong, you can say “why don’t we watch some videos about it together and discuss it after so we both feel more educated on the subject, and we can find a good compromise.” To give another example, if your partner is stonewalling you when you try to communicate with them, you can find an article or podcast on healthy communication to listen to together so the criticism is coming from an outside source instead of directly from you.
When I find a high quality, credible source, they are often created by people who have spent years studying the subject, so I typically assume they know more about the subject than I do. It is a lot easier for me to take constructive criticism from an expert on a topic than it is for me to hear my partner tell me I am doing something wrong.
This post is all about how to build a healthy relationship with your partner.
Learn About Fair Fighting
When I was about 19, I was in therapy because I had a lot of interpersonal relationship issues and realized that all of my relationships were incredibly toxic; romantic and otherwise. My therapist taught me the rules of fair fighting, and it was life changing for me. I had no idea they even existed and I had been operating entirely on emotion and on the way I had witnessed other people fight throughout the course of my life. It turns out that most people don’t know how to fight in a healthy way.
There are some great posts that outline all of the rules of fair fighting, and I highly recommend diving deeper into this, but a few that I have found most helpful are:
- Know why you are upset. Sometimes I get upset and I can’t even really tell why. If I try to talk the issue out before I have taken the time to get my thoughts straight and be sure I fully understand what I am actually upset about, it doesn’t usually end positively.
- Use “I” statements. This helps avoid placing blame, and instead focuses on how you are feeling. Instead of saying “You haven’t been showing me as much affection lately. You’re losing feelings for me!” Try something like “It seems like we haven’t been as intimate lately and I am feeling insecure about it. Can we talk it through?”
- Fight the problem, not each other. Remember that you are a team and what you both want is ultimately a healthy and happy relationship. Work together to fight the issue. Your partner should not feel like your enemy.
- Maintain emotional control. Disagreements between you and your partner can cause a lot of anxiety and heightened emotions. Maintaining emotional control is not only essential, but can make or break your relationship. If you cannot stay calm or refrain from yelling, take a break to regain your composure.
- Don’t interrupt your partner. For a conflict to resolve positively, both sides need to feel heard and understood. Don’t assume you know what your partner is going to say. Listen to understand, not to respond. Give your partner the space they need to work through their thoughts and express them verbally, without interruption.
- Avoid over generalizing. Generalization words like “always” or “never” are usually inaccurate and can be demeaning to your partner. Instead of saying “you always ignore me when I talk” try something like “It hurts my feelings when I am trying to share something with you and you ignore me.”
- Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. More often than not, in a loving relationship, it is safe to assume your partner is not trying to hurt you. People can be careless with their words or forgetful about things that someone else might consider important. I always try to give my partner the benefit of the doubt in any situation and assume they weren’t trying to hurt me. This allows you to see the situation more rationally and come up with a solution, instead of just being angry at your partner.
Printing off a list of all of the rules of fair fighting and going over them with your partner is a great way to even the playing field and get on the same page. It is also a great external resource for neutral conversation that you can gently remind your partner about if an argument becomes unhealthy.
This post is all about how to build a healthy relationship with your partner.
Tips for When You Start to Feel Like Roommates
All relationships go through phases where they feel boring and stagnant. You’ve been doing the same thing day in and day out with the same person for years. Of course it will feel monotonous at times. Putting in a little bit of effort can make all of the difference. Here are a few quick tips and ideas for when your partner starts to feel more like a roommate than a lover:
- Ten second kisses. Agreeing on ten second hello and goodbye kisses is a great way to add intimacy back into your relationship. Even when you don’t feel like being affectionate for the first three seconds, you often feel a lot different by the last three.
- Prioritize date night. If you aren’t already, schedule a set date night regularly. If you are already doing this, make them more frequent. Make quality time with your significant other a priority,
- Try something new. Stepping outside of your comfort zone and trying something new with your partner can be a great way to reignite the spark in your relationship.
- Schedule sex. It may not be the most romantic way to go about it, but life happens and it is easy to get too busy or too tired to prioritize your physical connection. Schedule time for it and introduce new things that you are both comfortable with and excited about, to spice things up in the bedroom.
- Allow tension to build. We feel more pleasure, the more anticipation there is for a reward before we receive it. Take your time during foreplay and draw it out longer than normal.
- Hold hands more often. Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin, and lower cortisol, causing a calming sensation and reducing stress levels.
- Try relationship apps. There are some great apps on smartphones for reconnecting with your partner, such as Paired and Evergreen, both of which have great reviews.
If you feel like you have tried everything and you are not seeing the progress you would like to, please know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with therapy. I am a HUGE advocate for therapy for individuals, families, couples, etc. Relationships are a skill you have to learn and most of us didn’t have healthy examples of relationships to learn from Couples therapy can help you learn relationship skills, and navigate any conflict or issues preventing the intimacy you both desire.
This post was all about how to build a healthy relationship with your partner.
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