TW: This post contains mentions of tokophobia, abortion, and other sensitive topics, which may be triggering for some readers. This post is very personal and was difficult for me to write. Any negative or unhelpful comments will be deleted.
For the first 23 years of my life,
I knew I wanted to be a mom. Through some seasons of my life, it was all I could think about. Through others, I knew I wasn’t quite ready, but looked forward to the day I was. There was never a time I was scared of having a baby, until July of 2020, when I found out I was pregnant. The second I saw the positive result on the test, the fear set in. What had I done? There were currently cells dividing and multiplying in my body that would turn into an actual baby that would have to come out of me. I didn’t understand how I could let this happen and I was completely terrified of giving birth.
For weeks, I tried to reason with myself, but it was impossible. I cried nonstop. My partner and I had only been together for three months at this time, but he was very happy. My mom was ecstatic; She had already started shopping. What was wrong with me? Why was I so miserable? The idea of having a baby made me happy. What it would take to get that baby out left me paralyzed with fear.
I started googling ways I could end my pregnancy without actually terminating it.
I didn’t want anyone to know how I was feeling. My family would be devastated and I truly wanted a baby, but it became very easy to convince myself it was the wrong choice. It turns out, there are no safe or sure-fire ways to end a pregnancy on your own. I was stuck and I was really panicking now.
I tried to share my feelings, but I couldn’t figure out how to express the level of fear I was experiencing. “Thousands of women give birth every day, and many without any pain medicine! Everyone gets scared, but you’ll be just fine!” I knew this. I had tried to tell myself this over and over again for weeks. It made no difference to try to reason with myself this way. Nothing helped. I just couldn’t go through with it.
I made the decision to end my pregnancy,
and it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. The weeks that followed were extremely difficult. At first I felt relief from the overwhelming anxiety, and then I felt like I was completely losing my mind.
The hormone crash threw me into a psychosis and I thought everyone was trying to kill me. Every night while I slept (which was rare), I barricaded my door. I obsessively watched people’s location on Find my Friends and if they went somewhere I didn’t recognize, I convinced myself they were looking for places to hide my body.
I had no idea Tokophobia or postpartum psychosis existed, so I thought I was going crazy. My mom describes these few months as one of the darkest times in her life. She now says she felt like she had lost me, and she couldn’t get through to me; Like someone else had taken over my body and I was gone. I went through the ringer with my mental health during this time and was hanging on by a thread after all of this. Unfortunately as my hormones returned to normal, I came crashing back down to reality and this came with even more terrible feelings. I felt shame, loneliness, and worst of all, regret.
My fairly new relationship was very rocky at this point.
My partner was trying to be supportive but didn’t understand the choice I made. I had dragged him on this emotional rollercoaster with me, and now the fear was gone and I wanted to take it all back. I can only imagine how he must have been feeling through all of this.
Several months went by and our lives slowly became more stable again, but I was still struggling daily with the feelings of regret. I didn’t understand where the fear I experienced came from, but I was certain it wouldn’t happen again. I no longer felt any fear about bringing a baby into this world, and after coming so close to becoming a mom, I now wanted it more than I’ve ever wanted anything.
My partner and I were now living together and discussing the possibility of trying for a baby. He had the same feelings I did of wanting to be a parent, but was scared of repeating what had happened before. I assured him that it was a momentary lapse of sanity, and that there was no way it would happen again.
When we both felt ready we decided to try again.
We got our positive test the first month of trying, and lo and behold, the fear came flooding back. At this point, I was terrified and emotionally exhausted. I didn’t know how I could possibly go through this again, and I definitely couldn’t put my partner through this again. I kept my feelings to myself and tried as hard as I could to stay happy and excited. If I mentioned the fear I was feeling again, I was sure it would really freak him out.
I tried googling my symptoms, and discovered Tokophobia.
Tokophobia is a pathological fear of pregnancy or childbirth. Generally women suffering with this avoid pregnancy because of fear of labor, but some women who do get pregnant opt for abortion, or caesarean. Tokophobia can be classified as primary or secondary. Primary is an extreme fear of childbirth in a woman, who has no previous experience of pregnancy. Secondary is a fear of childbirth developing after a traumatic event in a previous pregnancy.
This was a dead ringer for how I was feeling, but there wasn’t much information about it. I found medical articles, but nothing from women sharing their experiences. I felt a little less crazy, but a little more alone.
When I mentioned this fear to my doctor and asked her about Tokophobia, she gave me the same “everyone gets scared but thousands of women do it everyday” speech. I considered asking her for an elective C-section, but was worried about the judgment and complications that might come with it.
There were so many women around me and on online forums talking about wanting to give birth naturally. I couldn’t imagine wanting to give birth at all, let alone unmedicated. I felt like a failure. Where were my mom instincts and why weren’t they taking over? What if they never did and I was a terrible mom?
After a couple of months of suffering silently,
I decided to go to therapy. When I explained the feelings I was having to my counselor, she gave me some coping skills for dealing with the fear. I am not religious at all, but I was praying every night that these feelings would go away and I was using the coping skills daily to manage.
As my belly started to grow, so did my fear.
I would lay in bed every night completely panicking about how this baby was going to come out. I wasn’t scared of the contractions really, but I was scared of tearing. Even now, I don’t understand why that part freaked me out so much, but I was petrified just thinking about it. I loved my baby, but I had trouble even being excited because of all of the other overwhelming emotions.
Then one morning I woke up soaking wet.
My water broke while I was asleep and the day I had been dreading for so long was finally here. I felt surprisingly calm, considering the constant panic attacks I’d had for the last nine months. I finished packing my bag while I waited for the contractions to start. They never did, but my doctor told me to head into Labor & Delivery anyway.
They gave me Cervidil to kick start contractions, which did nothing. After 24 hours, they started Pitocin. Contractions started right away, and with them came the fear. I immediately asked for an epidural. I didn’t want to feel any of this. After a few hours, the anesthesiologist came and gave me an epidural but it wasn’t enough. My legs were completely numb, and I couldn’t even walk, but I was still terrified I would feel it. I was remembering all of the horror stories I heard throughout my pregnancy about labor gone wrong, and epidurals not working as they should. I asked them to bring the anesthesiologist back to make it stronger, but I was still terrified.
My blood pressure went up and my son’s heart rate started to drop.
Nurses rushed in and tried everything to get him stabilized, but had no luck. My doctor said there was no time and they needed to do a cesarean right away. I had a flood of relief, and was now just scared for my baby. He had to be okay. I felt so guilty, and I was sure that all of the fear and stress I had been experiencing caused this. I felt like I manifested this and now my son was in danger. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, but luckily everything turned out okay. They got him out quickly and safely, and I fell in love the moment I heard his first cry.
It has now been a year since my son was born, and I know that being a mom is what I was born to do.
With all of the fear and the heartache it took to get here, I was worried that maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mom. I was scared that I would go through a postpartum psychosis again, or that I wouldn’t be able to connect with my baby, neither of which happened. I did experience a bit of postpartum anxiety, but nothing compared to the fear I experienced during my pregnancy.
Now, I am looking forward to my next pregnancy, when my family is ready to expand. I know there is a very good chance the fear will return, but I am better prepared for it this time and I know that I am not crazy, and that I am and will be a good mom. To this day, I struggle with feelings of guilt about the decisions I made in the past, and the way it affected those around me. I always try to remind myself that I did the best I could with what I had at the time, and that I was navigating unknown territory.
Tokophobia is pretty taboo, and hardly ever talked about.
The decisions I made while suffering with it are very controversial and often met with judgment and backlash. I understand why no one wants to talk about it, and why there isn’t much information about it online. It’s important to me to share my story because I remember how crazy and alone I felt at the time. I don’t think I understand it well enough to provide advice or tell anyone how to get through it, but if this keeps one person from feeling as alone as I did, I am happy to take any backlash that may come with putting it out there.
If you are struggling with an extreme fear of giving birth,
please know that you are not alone. There are many people out there who struggle with this, even if they don’t talk about it. Giving birth is SCARY y’all. Even if you don’t struggle with tokophobia and if your mental health isn’t in the toilet. It’s foreign if you’ve never experienced it and for some reason people love sharing their horror stories with the people who are about to go through it. It’s completely okay to shut those people down and ask them to keep their stories to themselves.
Protect your peace in any way you can, and don’t be afraid to reach out to someone and ask for help.
Resources:
SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.
Betterhelp.com -Making professional therapy accessible, affordable, and convenient — so anyone who struggles with life’s challenges can get help, anytime and anywhere.
Tokophobia: how to get over extreme fear of giving birth
Tracy Setser says
I think that was very brave of you to share. Thank you for caring enough to not want anyone else to feel the way you did! You’re a good person and a wonderful mom!
Mike Estway says
It takes a lot of courage to look in the mirror and see the worst image of yourself, real or imagined, and then share that with complete strangers in hopes that maybe there’s one person out there, experiencing the same pain, and that by reading your message, might find a bit of hope and be encouraged to seek help themselves. I’m sure your family is very proud of you!